I am channeling those books I’ve read. The ones I gave away at the end of Women’s Studies part I. I remember reading , acknowledging, hell in that happy hippy way affirming that the moon cycle was to be honored and contemplated and that instead of working against nature the way we are taught to –instead of medicating and cutting and slicing and ignoring–that we should stop and listen to what our bodies are telling us they need and act accordingly.
Which works fine when you have no obligations to anyone but one’s self. Doesn’t work so well when one is employed, a mother, a wife, a writer.
I think about hiding out in a cave, but I miss my friends and family. I think about sheltering them from my wounded-animal-will-bite-if-approached demeanor but then at the same time I need hugs.
I think about the ways the patriarchy has to solve these problems and how to most of the waking world, these aren’t problems at all? Uterus is complaining? Just have it cut out. They use words like ‘lacerate.’ Pain? Take some drugs. Curettage and comatose we are to get through middle life.
I know I look like an idiot for wanting to find another way. For wanting to find my way back to listening to my body. For wanting to be able to walk through the fire. I am weak right now in body and mind and spirit.
But I have this crazy idea that this is the trial to make me stronger.