On the Outside, Looking at the Outside, Looking In

Before we get into some sort of argument: I’m totally and unequivocally happy that the Supreme Court decision of Friday the 26th has made same sex marriage legal in all 50 states. To me? It seems like a no-brainer. I will never get what the fuss is about. I try and see what both sides have to say about it. I guess marriage isn’t one of my ‘things’ to believe in in the first place. We are humans; humans are animals. Marriage is a social construct. I land somewhere in there as a woman who is married to a man, but it’s not the first and foremost thing in my mind. I’d have just as soon lived with him until the moment we hated each other and moved on but biology struck and we had two kids and society struck and marriage is easier when you have kids. Our society is constructed that way.

So I’m uber happy that there are still some rational and fair minded people on the Supreme Court. Of course there was Citizens United which isn’t fair at all. But we have to overlook that right now in order to celebrate good triumphing over evil.

I hear indirectly as there’s certainly no one in my Facebook feed that is homophobic or they’d have unfriended me years ago that right wingers and bible thumpers and the like are going ape-shit and threatening such things as self-conflagration (oh please do it) etc. I try to put myself in their shoes. It must suck to watch your homophobic ship go down in flames (pun totally intended). It must suck to realize too that the Christian overbreeders of the world actually help the biological existence of more homosexual beings within a species. And of course that the overwhelming majority of homosexual adults were raised in heterosexual households. You right wingers out there, homosexuality belongs to you.

So I’m happy with the mainstream rainbows because this is where the mainstream should be in the first place. To be gay isn’t leftist. It should never have been a political determiner in the first place.

As the daughter of lesbians mothers who’ve been married since 2008 I’ve excited that my boring mainstream parents have found an acceptance they’ve never quite felt before. I’m on the outside looking in on that one and I’m safely wrapped in a hetero marriage. I don’t know what that particular oppression feels like. As the sister in law of a lesbian I’m happy this door has opened. And for every homosexual friend I have living in one of those Bible belt states hooray! And as a bisexual myself I hope that one day we just don’t give a shit about any of this stuff. We are now all equal under the law.

So why am I feeling melancholy? I am intellectually happy and emotionally supportive. Because I want Congress to act on other issues too?

But I have a stack of medical bills from last year, and a student loan that’s conceivably beyond my reach. Less work than I’ve had in awhile. I have two kids I want to give a future to. I have a book for sale that needs more sales. I have a play to put on. I have creative work. I have an abundance of worry and fear. I have life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. But my liberty is borrowed and it has too much interest attached.

All the while I prepare for the future, all the while I am overjoyed at the creativity in my household, all the while I’ve admitted that I can’t keep up with the joneses so why try — it eats away at me that I’m not financially free and it’s entirely my fault: I should never have gotten sick; I should never have pursued an education; I should have never taken a dead end teaching job. These issues definitely have me on the outside looking in. I look at people’s vacation. I look at their retirement plans. I look at their cars that run like dreams. Their kids’summer camps. I look at people’s religious self-righteousness, racism and sexism and privilege. I look at my own.

I am glad and hopeful that our humanity and sexuality might someday soon be non issues altogether. As the older generations die off this will happen; it has to. For that I am grateful.

I want the rest of it now. Please.

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About margaretelysiagarcia

Margaret Elysia Garcia primarily writes fiction, essays and poetry from a remote corner of the Sierra Nevada. She's currently working on a non-fiction book about plus-sized modeling. She's also searching for a publisher for her new collection of stories? Mary of the Chance Encounters. Her short story collection Sad Girls & Other Stories out now on Solstice Literary Press. She blogs here and at Throwing Chanclas and Girl Body Pride. Is a contributor to Hip Mama Magazine. She writes the zine The Adventures of Sad Girl with her daughter, Paloma. She’s a three-time director of the national Listen to Your Mother Show in Plumas County (www.listentoyourmothershow.com). She has an alternative women’s music show Milkshake & Honey on Plumas Community Radio (www.kqny919.org).
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